Tear in the heart

It's been weeks since my last current post I know, I'm sorry about that but I never said this would be a perfect start-up. I also mainly am writing today to get stuff out kind of like a self therapy session. Love, whether that be for family, friends, partner or significant someone in your life, the fact of the matter is that love is amazing and beautiful. Love hurts and I feel like society builds a false fantastical view on love and that happily ever after. Love and human connection I believe are essential for growth and life and we cannot survive without it. But the more of yourself you give to someone the more potential that person has to hurt you. Now I'm not saying that everyone is like that or that it's always the same level of hurt. It varies depending on the person and how stable and secure you your bond with that person is. I in this instance am referring to the romantical sort of love. The kind that makes your better judgement just disappear when you hear their voice or look at their smile. That is what tears apart my heart . And I don't feel like going into detail about said person or the situation that has lead me to write this, but love just hurts. I guess that's all for now and probably will delve deeper into that subject of ... We will call him x at a later date. Just not feeling it now. Have a wonderful day my imaginary and loyal audience.

From the top

Hello it has been close to four years since I have written anything on this blog that I made for school, and there in lies the mystery for why...it was school. Highschool as a matter of fact and highschool was not one of my fonder memories and as I read over my old posts it is apparent to whoever reads as well. I am now 22 and obviously a different person than I was in highschool, so let's take this blog experience from the top and do proper introductions so you all know if you ever read who I am in this moment. Also because I don't think I ever really did an intro to myself the first time I wrote on here. HELLO you can call me saudade it wasn't my name before and I don't know how it has changed because I didn't change it but I like the ring of it. I am here again to write simply what I feel like writing and to express things I feel need to be said for me or for others if you feel particularly connected to something I say. I am 22 if you missed that before and I am trying to figure out my life which I think is something everyone goes through at one time or another. I'm not sure where this will go but that's part of the fun about not knowing it drives you crazy but if you look for it there is beauty in the unknown.

college

It is 11:25 pm and i have no one to talk to but I have to get this out of my system, so if anyone reads this it is not for you it is for me. I am so sick of silence and of being so afraid to speak to anyone ever. I hate myself. I know I should be accepting of my flaws and keep trying, be brave and all that crap. Its easy for you to say you are not me. I'm tired, I'm sick of having to face myself and always not saying what I want to. I hate being so alone and knowing its my fault because I am weak and scared. I am tired of crying my eyes out because even the people I call friends think I am weird or not normal and that there has to be something wrong with me not even knowing they are part of the problem.

I'm tired of being me.

The unknown

What's going to happen to us after this? Where will we be, and how will we get there? I hope I end up somewhere nice.

I wish

I remember when conversation came easily to me, all I had to worry about was what game to play next.
I remember taking naps in the sun and wishing to have the time to take one now.
I remember the time I thought life couldn't get much harder. I was wrong.
I remember when I hated rain storms, now they are one of the only things that remind me I am alive as I get soaked after standing in it for an hour.
I remember goodnight kisses and stories disappeared after age ten because I was to old.
I remember being a kid and I loved it. I would give anything to be one now because I'm scared to grow up.

white elephant

Just so you know I did put a lot of thought into what I did it just doesn't look as cool as I thought it would. Maybe I'll just read a post.( a lot of glitter went into this:| ) Sorry if you don't like it Hopsinson.



blackout

Reveal

Very few know my real voice, it's to quiet tp hear so peoplejust ignore it. Honestly I chose my penname because I like wolves. I am Selena wolfsbane. It literally took me three hours to piece this whole blog together and I hate everything about it because now it's out there and I can't take it back. I'm scared that I have been to real with this blog and I've let these people see me. Now they have the power to destroy me. It hasn't been the first time and I'm pretty sure I'm still missing parts of mefrom last time.

Selena means moon in greek by the way and wolfsbane just sounded cool so that is who I became but not who I am. Selena is just a facade I'm trying to hide behind. I doubt anyone would know me I'm good at being invisible. But maybe someoneout there cares what I have to say.

-Ellie pulley

Heartfelt thoughts

How long has it been since we last talked? A month? A year? You may not know but I pound on your chest every second of every day trying to get hold of you but you've been hearing me less and less. Slowly I'm fading into the backround stuck inside this cage of bones. The voice inside your head has gotten louder and louder over the years taking control. Hes been invading your thoughts and calling it logic and you obey because listening to him is safer in the long run. But listening to him isn't the same as living. He's holding you on a three inch chain and the pressure is so tight you've become numb. Well I've got some things to say your brain may be the safer way but you need me to feel alive. And I will always be the one there for you in joy, success, and misery while your brain will only tear you down. It's time to break free.
                                       -your Heart<3

Blue ticket

Compare, compare, compare, compare
I can't help but compare myself to others. It's easier to see your flaws but I read a quote that said "because I know my flaws I am beautiful" -unknown. Is there beauty in flaws? What I think they meant is that acceptance of your flaws helps you see the beauty in yourself more easily. I don't know maybe not.

Staring eyes

This post is from my journal that I was to scared to share during journal jam.

COLORS

my personality is rainbow.

Some people tell me that my soul is black but my soul is purple. Why? Because I said so!

People say I need to smile more, well my smile is invisible because no matter how many times I smile white they only tell me to smile more.

I'm blue because I cry when no one is looking, which is all the time because no one is ever looking.

No one knows but I'm orange when I'm happy. Like the sun I can burn bright but eventually someone decides to turn out the lights.

Sometimes I'm pink because that guy outside when I walk to schoollooks at me.

But most of the time I'm grey or just between blue and red, I'm sad or angry with myself, others, the world. Thats why my soul is purple.

Hate

I have got a lot of hate in my system right now and I don't know why but I'm just going to roll with it. First off I hate this freaking computer because when I'm typing the curser just decides to jump to different parts of the page while I'm typing and a sentence literally becomes sjdskrueifsjcnxn.             ( Stupid school computer.) I hate being to scared to talk to people when they are probably pretty nice people. I've just come across a lot of jerks in the past. I also hate having this face that looks like I am constantly frowning because I am not usually sad or anything I just really hate school and the pressure of trying to fit in. I hate girly cloths sometimes I wish I was a boy because they can just throw a tee shirt and jeans. I also hate submitting the wrong post in the wrong place does this sentence even make sense? whatever, this list could go on and on but I think I should stop before I turn into scrooge. bye

music on my mind

   Ok so I don't know about all of you but I am clueless on what my brick post should. I'm just not that creative Nelson! I've been brain washed by society for to long. I mean I have a hard enough time trying to figure out who I am let alone what to write on this post or blog.

    There is one thing that I could post and it is the only thing in my life I can think of that would match bricks perfectly and it is "brick by boring brick" by Paramore. I realize that a lot of my posts have been lyrics but music is my life. "With out music life would be a mistake" as Friedrich Nietzsche put it so perfectly. (I got that from here comes the boom which is also a great song and movie.) Anyway I recommend you listen to it because it is a great song. I'll leave the link below if you want to listen to it. k bye;)www.youtube.com/watch?v=A63VwWz1ij0

Blog

I honestly thought I would be done making blogs but I am currently at this moment sitting on the couch helping my dad make a blog. It was petty fun pretending that I knew what I was doing because I don't. I only know the bare minimum because of nelson. It makes me wonder if my dad knows what he's getting into because maintaining a blog is hard and writing a post that someone will actually read is way harder. It could just be me though because everyone else is amazing at writing. Best of luck to you dad!

Metamorphosis

I started out human but I feel less and less human each day and minute that I exist. I am the aftermath of a zombie when my flesh falls from the bone and what remains is metal and gears. I find myself constantly taking refuge around technology. I've tried to stop but there is no escape I cannot go any where without the influence of technology. My parents say that I'm addicted but how can I not when they keep making,updating,advertising,practically shoving technology into my open willing hands.

and all of these iphones,tablets,and computers have us brainwashed. we cannot seem to break the hold they have on our brains and it is slowly sucking up our humanity until we are nothing but robots and machines just like them.

Love haiku

LOVE is bitter sweet

<3

You feel brighter than the sun

<3

But then get snuffed out
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kMAzstG5O7E

Human

Domo arigato misuta Robotto
Mata au hi made
Domo arigato misuta Robotto
Himitsu wo shiritai

You're wondering who I am-machine or mannequin
With parts made in Japan, I am the modern man

I've got a secret I've been hiding under my skin
My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain I.B.M.
So if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised
I'm just a man who needed someone, and somewhere to hide
To keep me alive, just keep me alive
Somewhere to hide to keep me alive

I'm not a robot without emotions, I'm not what you see
I've come to help you with your problems, so we can be free
I'm not a hero, I'm not a savior, forget what you know
I'm just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control
Beyond my control, we all need control
I need control, we all need control

I am the modern man, who hides behind a mask
So no one else can see my true identity

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo, domo
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo, domo
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto

Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
For doing the jobs nobody wants to
And thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
For helping me escape to where I needed to
Thank you, thank you, thank you
I want to thank you, please, thank you, oh yeah

The problem's plain to see, too much technology
Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanize.

The time has come at last
To throw away this mask
Now everyone can see
My true identity
I'm Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy!

I know I already posted lyrics but this just felt right. 
Hey click this link.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLBSoC_2IY8

Playlist

I keep going to the river to pray cause I need something that can wash out the pain.- Ella Henderson
I would swallow my pride I would choke on the rhymes but the lack thereof would leave me  empty inside.- Eve six
so your tired but your alive so open up your eyes and you can get some sleep when your dead-FLYLEAF
I'm looking to the sky to save me looking for a sign of life looking for something to help me burn out bright make my way back home when I learn to fly.-FOO FIGHTERS
If I don't say this now I will surely break as I'm leaving the one i want to take forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait my heart has started to separate.-The fray
And I don't want the world to see me cause I don't think that they'd understand when everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am.-The Goo Goo Dolls
Say something I'm giving up on you.- A great big world
you know I'd fall apart without you cause everything that don't make sense about me makes sense when I'm with you.-HUNTER HAYES
I've given up I've given up slowly I'm blending in so you won't even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate.- reliant k
I've got the magic in me every time I touch that track it turns into gold.-B.O.B 

Cheers!

I'd just like to take a moment to recognize all the crazies out there because the people that society labels as insane are truly brilliant. So here's to the crazies, wierdos, misfits, black sheep, odd balls, strange, unusual, and amazingly wonderful people of the world. I think it's about time we all embraced the crazy in ourselves because it's better than trying to fit in (it's exhausting). Be the piece of the of the puzzle that doesn't even belong in that puzzle. Be you.

Ps.being normal is boring anyway:)