Tear in the heart

It's been weeks since my last current post I know, I'm sorry about that but I never said this would be a perfect start-up. I also mainly am writing today to get stuff out kind of like a self therapy session. Love, whether that be for family, friends, partner or significant someone in your life, the fact of the matter is that love is amazing and beautiful. Love hurts and I feel like society builds a false fantastical view on love and that happily ever after. Love and human connection I believe are essential for growth and life and we cannot survive without it. But the more of yourself you give to someone the more potential that person has to hurt you. Now I'm not saying that everyone is like that or that it's always the same level of hurt. It varies depending on the person and how stable and secure you your bond with that person is. I in this instance am referring to the romantical sort of love. The kind that makes your better judgement just disappear when you hear their voice or look at their smile. That is what tears apart my heart . And I don't feel like going into detail about said person or the situation that has lead me to write this, but love just hurts. I guess that's all for now and probably will delve deeper into that subject of ... We will call him x at a later date. Just not feeling it now. Have a wonderful day my imaginary and loyal audience.

From the top

Hello it has been close to four years since I have written anything on this blog that I made for school, and there in lies the mystery for why...it was school. Highschool as a matter of fact and highschool was not one of my fonder memories and as I read over my old posts it is apparent to whoever reads as well. I am now 22 and obviously a different person than I was in highschool, so let's take this blog experience from the top and do proper introductions so you all know if you ever read who I am in this moment. Also because I don't think I ever really did an intro to myself the first time I wrote on here. HELLO you can call me saudade it wasn't my name before and I don't know how it has changed because I didn't change it but I like the ring of it. I am here again to write simply what I feel like writing and to express things I feel need to be said for me or for others if you feel particularly connected to something I say. I am 22 if you missed that before and I am trying to figure out my life which I think is something everyone goes through at one time or another. I'm not sure where this will go but that's part of the fun about not knowing it drives you crazy but if you look for it there is beauty in the unknown.

college

It is 11:25 pm and i have no one to talk to but I have to get this out of my system, so if anyone reads this it is not for you it is for me. I am so sick of silence and of being so afraid to speak to anyone ever. I hate myself. I know I should be accepting of my flaws and keep trying, be brave and all that crap. Its easy for you to say you are not me. I'm tired, I'm sick of having to face myself and always not saying what I want to. I hate being so alone and knowing its my fault because I am weak and scared. I am tired of crying my eyes out because even the people I call friends think I am weird or not normal and that there has to be something wrong with me not even knowing they are part of the problem.

I'm tired of being me.

The unknown

What's going to happen to us after this? Where will we be, and how will we get there? I hope I end up somewhere nice.

I wish

I remember when conversation came easily to me, all I had to worry about was what game to play next.
I remember taking naps in the sun and wishing to have the time to take one now.
I remember the time I thought life couldn't get much harder. I was wrong.
I remember when I hated rain storms, now they are one of the only things that remind me I am alive as I get soaked after standing in it for an hour.
I remember goodnight kisses and stories disappeared after age ten because I was to old.
I remember being a kid and I loved it. I would give anything to be one now because I'm scared to grow up.

white elephant

Just so you know I did put a lot of thought into what I did it just doesn't look as cool as I thought it would. Maybe I'll just read a post.( a lot of glitter went into this:| ) Sorry if you don't like it Hopsinson.